The Marathon of Self Love

So I’m pretty sure we’re all familiar with New Years Resolutions but if not…it’s the goals we set or things we hope to aspire to as we go through the upcoming year…for me…for 2019 it was achieving self love (mentally, physically, emotionally). Before I took on this journey, I would honestly say most people would probably see me as the most self loving, strong, happy slightly conceited person…very rare is it that you catch me without a smile…So how’d I end up choosing self love right…While I would still use those words to describe myself, it only accounted for the outward appearance…that appearance didn’t tell ppl she needs you to hug her right now…she’s not ok…and i found myself with these feelings that i didn’t know how to tell people. I had this false sense of not being okay isn’t okay…have a moment and suck it up….soft where lol… and to be completely honest that unhealthy management of feelings worked for me for a good while…but in 2018 every emotion that could knock you on your ass came at me 10 fold…loss of a family member (my person)…health complications…i decided i wasn’t sure about medical school (which i planned for my whole life)…and the outward appearance was ok but it started to waiver; I was definitely spiraling on the inside but like i said the mentality is have a moment and suck it up except this time it wasnt working…I guess it was too much to suck up because It started to spill over into my attitude…and relationships… for a while (my whole life) I never let anyone close enough to see the flawed…but then i found myself really loving someone. He could definitely get on my nerves at times but something about him always made me feel warm and ok but at the time i had so much pent up inside…and in my mind I’m thinking…tell him you’re not okay 🤔….HELL NO! fake it til you make it and then instead of admitting look i just need you to hold me and let me cry a little bit I’m being impulsive, arguing, blaming, and my attitude was shitty to say the least at times….trying to maintain this facade of being okay and i think that was the tipping point for me because i took a step back and i realized it’s one thing to be unhealthy with yourself but its another thing to treat people you care about a certain way because you cant verbalize or express how you feel in a healthy way. So 2019! I went on a therapy journey to fulfill the healthy mental/emotional portion and thats still happening and its pretty great…talking to a therapist one day and you’re cured isn’t quite what happens lol…you definitely have to find a therapist that can really speak to you on a level that you can relate to and from there it’s bliss. I don’t know about everyone but I personally enjoy talking to an unbiased party that’ll call me out on my shit. Sorry for the language i like to curse a little 😬. But therapy gives me this judgment free area where I’m able to vent and receive honest reasonable feedback…and i started opening up there first. I talk about relationships, dreams, goals, fears, situations, my attitude…let’s not forget that! Gradually I started to change. It was what I did outside of therapy…I started to meditate and it helped me take a step back and really be present and think before responding. Instead of expecting everyone to have telekinesis and read my mind and non verbal cues….I actually spoke…I don’t act happy when I’m not which is actually big for me…I cried in front of my best friend for the first time in five years and the world did not crumble which was pretty great. I also really took time to myself to focus on me…my needs…my wants…I took myself on dates and just really appreciated myself. That’s a touch into the mental/emotional but physical was in there too. I’ve always been pretty good with exercising but eating was something else. I LOVE FOOD…in every way shape and form. But I was definitely lazy instead of cooking I was obsessively ordering from any home delivery service I could find but I had a friend that lured me into Publix to go grocery shopping with her and made it a habit …Pretty sure she knew what she was doing…But I started meal prepping again and with the meal prepping came more exercise because I had more energy..more clarity to study ….extra confidence boost because you start seeing results….I stayed consistent with all these things and it boosted my self perception and respect because you invest so much into yourself in so many different ways to the point where you have to recognize your value. Or at least that’s how I feel. I think the biggest lesson I took from this journey was just loving myself at every step of it at the high and low points and just keep going.

We have to confront ourselves. Do we like what we see in the mirror? And according to our light, according to our understanding, according to our courage, we will have to say yea or nay…and rise!
Maya Angelou