2020 or What?!

Hey Guys!…. So I’ve definitely been missing in action for a little while; I don’t want to give you guys trash so I only really write when I can sit and get in the zone to give you guys that…QUALITTYYY. Life update, as of December 1st 2019 ya girl is 26. Aging like fine wine out here and I’ve officially graduated with my Biological Science Degree. It’s really only up from here. In my last post I mentioned doing the self love thing and that’s been my narrative for 2019 just tweaking the things that I felt needed to be better for me. I find myself in such a weird, exciting, transition as we’re going into the new year. I’m going to drop some adjectives that describe how I view myself at this moment and elaborate from there. Strong…Beautiful…BrownSkinGIrl…Funny…Educated…Adventurous…Valuable…Loving…Loyal…Confident…and tbh the list goes on but 2019 really brought me back to that form of positive self identity. I just worked really hard to stop self destructing and start growing. I did a few things. For about two to three months I was on a social media hiatus. I deleted my Instagram and deactivated my Snapchat…Facebook I kept, I don’t post anything personal on there but I LOVEE memes. My view on social media: it’s great in the fact that it allows you to stay connected with people you meet throughout your life, it keeps you up to date with trends, MEMES, and for a lot of people it allows them to promote their businesses…those are the positives. Outside of that I feel like it adds a pressure…I would never post a picture unless I knew I’d get about 100 likes and that’s unauthentic as hell. And it leads you to compare yourself to people…I’m actually doing pretty decent in life but then my feed starts popping up with tons of weddings and tons of babies, Dubai and only God knows what else. Those are things I want but that’s not on my path right at this moment; I’d go from being ok with that to wondering like damn am I messing up by not pursuing those things right now. Also, I felt like it kept me tied to people I had no intention/no interest on being connected with. So that combo along with me just working on myself I was like lets take a break and see something. I anticipated that it was going to be awkward and I wouldn’t know what to do with myself but it was actually a beautiful thing. I thought I was going to feel disconnected but in reality I formed better bonds with the people who are actually in my life. I actually had to ask them like yo what’s really happening in your life…wild right! You realize how much a post or picture tells you nothing. I can have a friend posting things looking amazing, having the time of their lives on the external view and going through a range of things that not even a caption can tell you. Another thing that I took from this was just the beauty of privacy. It’s so slept on. I graduated and I had to be convinced by so many people to walk because I did not feel like I needed that type of recognition because I knew I achieved that for myself and that was enough. I have that perception now where I don’t feel the urge to disclose anything to be honest unless you’re someone special to me and I love it. I don’t know, my generation is weird I feel like we have this sense where if we don’t share our news with everyone did it actually happen…and the answer to that is yes. Also, I’m just more present altogether. I enjoy the moment instead of trying to capture it, I talk at bars instead of snapping and It’s been fun. I’ve met new people. I would even say I’m more productive because I’m not constantly on social media. All in all, it’s something I’d definitely recommend trying. That’s the first thing I did. So next, As I mentioned in my last post, I go to therapy…I’ve talked about a lot but one thing my therapist pointed out was that I WAS somewhat of a people pleaser. I never allowed people to walk all over me but I would downplay my needs or wants to make sure the next persons needs are at least somewhat met…just continuously compromising. I had a habit of comprising until a point of rage where i just blowup and curse you out and maybe later apologize. Obviously not the most productive way to deal with things. Realizing that about myself was probably the biggest game changer. It forced me to reconstruct everything because once I realized I was over compromising it required me to ask myself what is it that I want in all aspects of my life and enforce that shit. Having that type of outlook and sureness comes with a whole different level of confidence.When you don’t know what your own expectations are how would someone else. From my experience, it leaves room for disrespect and insecurities that are honestly unintended. I really took the time to dig deep and figure out what it is that I want from my friendships, my intimate relationships, general interactions, and just from life in general. I went from being timid to being forward and bold. I went from lashing out on people to being able to articulate what it is that I need so clearly (to me at least lol a little bias). I realized my parents raised me in a way that I’m very genuine. In the past some occurrences lead me to be on the non-emotional end of the things and tbh harsh so as i’m circling back to my authentic self I don’t even want the energy around me of people who aren’t genuine, who aren’t loving, who aren’t open. At this point in my life that’s a whole checklist criteria just to be an acquaintance. There’s this quote by Gary Goldstein, “Decide the friends, mentors & leaders you want in your life, in your inner circle, and court them with emotional generosity. Make it matter.” I don’t think he could’ve said it any better. If you don’t see your friends that way or feel that way about the people you allow close to you…you should re-evaluate. Dead Ass. For myself I stopped allowing “friends” or w.e other terminology they fell under to stop draining my energy and reinvested that same energy into myself and the friends and people who were investing their energy in me. I also, stopped allowing myself to be a victim of disrespect. People treat you a way based on what you allow…and I stopped allowing all that shit lol. I respect myself and I try my best to only dish out respect so I require the upmost from others on w.e front. It’s crazy how the mind works because sometimes it’s honestly hard to do what’s best for yourself. Theres a little something in us thats drawn towards those bad situations but once you’re aware of your standards /expectations it’s a lot harder to partake in any of that. I literally end up talking myself out of situations I shouldn’t be in before I can even get there. Or if I do go against what I know is better for me it turns into a moral dilemma with myself; I don’t need that negativity. That’s just touching on some of those things but everything I’ve been working towards for myself just gave me a boost. I thought I’d be in Florida forever but since graduation became near I couldn’t imagine not venturing out to see and experience new things. Overall, in my life I’ve gotten to a place where I’m just level and excited to see what 2020 has in store.